Clacton for the weekend sounded good but we needed to borrow a motor, so Johnny got his hands on a Morris 1000. Well he'd preferred a Jag 3.8 but at least we had four wheels and somewhere to sleep for the night.
Come Friday night Johnny, Pete and meself, we're straight down to Clacton, for a few drinks and a bloody good laugh. About one o'clock Saturday morning we're parked up, all peaceful like, in a quiet lay-by about three miles outside Clacton for a bit of a kip, when all of a sudden like there's a bok, bok, bok on the side of the Morris. We're surrounded by the law. Three of them, 'allo, 'allo, 'allo. "You! Get out!" Fortunately the motor was borrowed, not nicked … but we were and that's where we here headed. One particular copper was real aggressive and, pointing at Pete...
"You, get in the police car." Pointing to the third constable, said "You, get in the back of their car with them two." Pointing at Johnny he said "You're driving and my officer will accompany you back to the station."
Sitting behind the wheel, Johnny quietly says to me "I bet I knock his lid off before we reach the nick!" At that moment the geezer in charge comes back and says "Keep up sonny. If you can." Wanting to know he'd heard right, Johnny turns round to the law sitting in the back, "Is he serious?" The reply "Yeh he is."
Now a Morris ain't quite got the pace of a Wolseley 680 but the roads nice and bendy and while the mouthy git driving the Wolseley was putting on quite a show, Johnny was sticking with him like it was a Sunday drive. Then those magic words were uttered from the backseat "Go on! Fucking take him!" Well, as you can imagine, music to The Lizard's ears!
The police car enters the double bend, Johnny floors it, and with a perfect 4-wheel drift, neatly slides the Morris alongside, sticks his arm out and calmly waves the Wolseley to go on ahead. The old bill in the back seat, minus his lid, shouts "Great! Great!"
We'd been in the interview room for a bit while the boys in blue checked out our story, the door opens and in walks one of our brave lads with tea, biscuits and blankets. He's followed in by another copper who, pointing to Johnny, says "The officer who that was driving wants to throw the book at you
mate.  Exceeding the speed limit, dangerous driving, endangering life." etc, etc. The Full Monty. The desk sergeant would have none of it saying "You boys okay for another cup of tea?"
Another copper sticks his head around the door, thumbs up and says "Well done lads!" and disappears. The bloke with the tea then explains "The officer that was driving isn't liked by anyone at the station. Flash, reckons he knows it all. He's up from London and thinks he can show us what real policing is like in the Big City. Tonight he got out-driven and by a Morris Minor 1000 and all."
It's now about 5:00 am and the new shift is arriving, one of them sticks his head around the door and asks who'd been driving. Johnny raises his arm triumphantly and the copper, laughing, asks him if he wants a job! The Lizard declines as, unknown to the officer, he had recently been the wheel man for the opposition. But that's another story...
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